we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize