Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
