everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
