Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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