Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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