i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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