In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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