I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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