so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
