Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I smell like Dick and happiness
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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