"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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