put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
