i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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