My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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