hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
