You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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