It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
