i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
