I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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