Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
another moral hangover. fuck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
