Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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