Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
