Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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