I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
