Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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