He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize