i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
