I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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