Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
