I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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