no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
