Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
