Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
