My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
