Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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