I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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