this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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