if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
