Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
