It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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