Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
