I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
