Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize