how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize