i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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