In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
