So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
