Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
