I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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