i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
