i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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