did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize