I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
