Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to align my fucking chakras
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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