A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
