i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
