I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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