I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
