Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
