guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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