I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
