I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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