im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize