every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
