YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
