good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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