they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize