I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
