Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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